Friday, December 12, 2008

I Feel It Important To Warn The World!

There has been some talk going on around the B Team email chain about the powers of our kits, so I feel it honorable to at least let everyone else in on the power of THE CHICKEN KIT!

The first report comes from one Mr. Matt Benko, or superhero Benko!

Hello everyone,

Well, the response to the new kits has been overwhelmingly positive which is cool. But I'm gonna tell you a true story that may make you like the kits even more. It turns out the new kits give you Super Powers when you wear them. How do I know this you ask? Let me explain.

On Tuesday morning I was riding to meet the 7:00am group at ROCO when I witnessed a crime being committed right on State St. at the corner of State and Victoria. Two kids, perhaps Jr High age were using paint pens to "tag" a couple of the store fronts. Now if I had been wearing any other kit I probably would've just ridden by thinking "What a couple of punks" but because I was wearing a brand new 2009 Team Chicken Ranch kit I felt empowered. So I did what any self-respecting Super Hero would do when placed in a similar situation......I called the police. Now I could have tried to be stealthy and whisper into my cell phone but I felt invincible at the moment so I rolled right up to the juvenile delinquents and spoke loudly into my phone "Hello police?...yeah I'm watching two kids tag a building on State and Victoria. You may want to come check it out." The criminals were startled by my boldness and the chase was on. I followed them on my bike as they ran into the City Lot and then into Victoria Court all the while steering with one hand and holding my cell phone with the other. I lost sight of the "perps" somewhere in Victoria Court so I finished describing what they were wearing to the dispatcher and then proceeded to meet the 7:00 group. But lo and behold the new kit has tracking powers as well and I spotted them again at the corner of Chapala and Figueroa. They didn't see me until I was about 15 feet away and this is when the new kit really showed the value of having your entire body encased in "faux-carbon fiber feathers". The taggers became enraged and like a wild animal when it's cornered, they attacked! They threw their orange colored paint pens right at me. This could've been a devastating blow. Thankfully I was wearing my new 2009 Team Chicken Ranch kit and the weapons bounced off of me and fell harmlessly to the floor. At the sight of this the two young thugs again ran for their lives and I continued on to Roco just catching the 7:00 group in the nick of time at 7:05!

Now I doubt the police ever caught these two vandals but that doesn't really matter. Because now they have the fear of "Chicken Justice" embedded deep in their hearts. I'm sure these two young boys will turn their lives around as a result of this encounter. They'll realize the error of their ways and look for more positive ways to express themselves. Perhaps they will go on to graduate from Harvard or Yale or UCSB and change the world. Just as we Chicken Ranchers will do in 2009. That's right...."Team Chicken Ranch....making the world a better ride at a time!"

See ya out there!


Then we got this amazing report from our down under correspondent Joel Groberg, aka "Snake Charmer".

G'day Everyone,

Matt's story reminded me of something that happened to me on a ride last week, that also demonstrated the amazing powers of the Chicken Ranch Kit...
I was doing a night training ride, and for a brief section of it I was alongside a 6-lane highway. I came up on a large stick that was across the bike lane, and sticking partially into the slow lane of the highway, and stopped to drag it off the road. When I got up to I realized (besides the fact that CR kits don't improve my night vision) that the stick was really an enormous python, about 13 ft. long. I immediately shifted into Steve Irwin/SPCA/Superhero mode and tried to get it off the road and headed back into the forest beside the road...I have seen too many big pythons struck dead on the roads here.

I knew that if I dragged such a heavy snake (70lbs?) off the road backwards that I would damage it's belly scales, which here during the wet season is nearly a death sentence for a snake. I could not go out in the road to get at the head. I decided to grab it by the back of the tail and annoy it so it turned around to see what was going on. It proved to be a very good decision in the short term, because it worked!

The down side to this strategy is that by the time snake came back to see what's happening at it's tail end it was a little pissed off. It struck at me a couple of times so I did the what seemed even more logical at the time, which was try and grab it by the neck. I only missed by 2 feet, that's how far behind the head I grabbed. If you want to have a big snake bite you, grab it a couple of feet behind the head, that brings it up close to your arms, face and torso. Given those biting options I am glad the snake chose to bite me on the arm....which was protected by my Chicken Ranch Jersey!

I figured as long is it had me by the jersey that I also had it, so I quickly backed off the road, into the forest and somehow managed to separate myself from the snake, and shooed it off into the forest. The jersey now has four small cuts in the left sleeve, which no doubt would have been in my arm if I had been wearing a lesser jersey.

I actually only have the retro 04 05 and 06 kits, so If anyone has an extra kit or if Dave still has them for sale let me know, I figure if the old kits are python-proof, what must the new ones be like?

Oh, and here's another recent snake story from our local paper, this one involving a python and a..... chicken!

All the best,
Joel in Cairns, Australia

Some have even thought this superhero is a Chicken Rancher, based on the similarities between our kit and his. Hmmmmmm!

We have even had one Chicken Rancher report he is so confident in the super powers his kit has he is going to wear it Elk Hunting. I'm not quite sure how that will help, but I'm waiting to hear.
The world should consider themselves warned.

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